Tips for Parents

The first step in helping your child with a traumatic situation is to recognize what a traumatic event might be. A traumatic situation is one that causes your child/family a great deal of pain such as: the death of a family member, divorce, illness, family move, death of a pet, a friend moving away, a change in school, parent's loss of a job, natural disaster, etc. Please keep in mind all children and adults handle difficult situations in different ways. This article will describe various types of responses you might find yourself, as a parent experiencing along with changes you might see in you child.

During a time of stress it is important that you, as the parent/caregiver, take care of yourself and create a support system to help you cope with your time of trauma. In order for you to help your child you need to be available for your child, able to hear your child’s needs and know that your child will look to you, as the parent, for queues and advice as to how to respond and handle the given event. The following are some tips for ways to help you and your child cope.

Parent Tips

The following are normal reactions that you as an adult might experience:

  • Easily irritated/become angry
  • Cry a lot
  • Want to withdraw/be alone
  • Problems sleeping/dreaming of the event
  • Eating problems
  • Experience physical complaints; stomach aches and headaches
  • Feel anxious, depressed
  • Fearful of a recurrence of the event
  • Flash backs of the event
  • Difficulty in concentrating

In order to help you deal with these reactions it is important to:

  • Get enough rest
  • Have someone to talk to, share your feelings and fears
  • Make time for physical activity such as; walking, exercise
  • Eat well
  • Allow yourself to take time off from work if necessary
  • Recognize that you are experiencing the above feelings and that they are normal

If you are able to recognize your feelings and have the tools to cope with them then the following steps in helping your child during this time of crisis will come easier.

Tips On Helping Your Child

Begin by closing your eyes, taking a depth breath. This will help you relax and gain control of your emotions.

When you talk with your child it is of utmost importance that you are as calm as possible and have control of yourself and your emotions.

Your child will look to you for strength and how to react to the situation. If you should lose control, your child might become worried about you making the situation even more difficult for them to handle.

Let your child know you love them and care about them and want to know how they are feeling.

Listen to your child and his/her feelings. Validate what they are saying. If you are experiencing some of the same feelings, share that. It is important to let your child know their feelings are normal and they are not the only ones having them. When sharing be sure to share and not take the lead.

Ask open-ended questions that will give your child permission to express his/her feelings. Explore their various fears and concerns. Repeat feelings and facts that seem to keep coming up or be key points of worries.

Pay attention to your child’s questions. Don’t avoid difficult questions. Try to answer as many of the questions as possible. If you don’t have all the answers, it’s okay to say “I don’t know” or “ I don’t have an answer for that question... I will try and get one for you.”

Let your child know that you are taking his/her concerns seriously.

If your child has a hard time talking about their feelings, let them know you are there when they are ready to share. Give them some time on their own. If they don’t bring the situation up within a day or two, introduce the subject again.

If your child is verbal, then find time each day to talk to them about how they are doing emotionally. Explore new feelings, fears or anxieties.

If your child changes frequency in the way he/she talks, plays or expresses attitudes, this may indicate fears or anxieties they are unable to express.

If you child likes to draw, let them make a picture that tells you how they are feeling or a picture that describes their worries or fears.

Your child might express his/her upsets through their behavior. You might find a major change in your child such as; becoming aggressive, withdrawing, having physical complaints that coincide with the trauma. You might find a change in the frequency or way he/she talks plays or expresses attitudes that may indicate fears or anxieties that they are unable to express.

Behavioral Responses To Trauma Found In Children

5 years and younger

  • Feelings of helplessness and passivity.
  • Regressive symptoms occur.
  • Denial of disturbing event.
  • Re-enactment through art and play with traumatic themes.
  • Nightmares.

6 years through 11 years

  • Clear thinking is reduced.
  • Fantasy plans of action increase.
  • Phobic responses.
  • Personality changes.
  • Obsessive re-enactment of the event.
  • Nightmares.

12 years through 17 years

  • Detachment. shame, guilt.
  • Post-traumatic acting out behavior.
  • Life-attitude changes (loss of interest).
  • Behaving as an adult who can take care of themselves without adult help (pseudo maturity).

If you find that your child demonstrates some of the above responses and continues to be unable to move past the trauma within a months time, a referral to a mental health professional is recommended to help your child work through the traumatic event.

After the shooting rampage at Thurman High School in Springfield, Oregon last year, the White House held a conference on safe and drug free schools. As a result, the Departments of Education and Justice developed an early warning guide to help “adults reach out to troubled children quickly and effectively.” Here are some excerpts from that report, sent to schools in September, on what sort of behavior to watch for:

  • Social withdrawal. Often stems from feelings of depression, rejection, persecution, unworthiness and lack of confidence.
  • Feelings of isolation and being alone. Sometimes characteristic of children ..[but] in some cases feelings of isolation and not having friends are associated with children who behave aggressively and violently.
  • Excessive feelings of rejection. Children who are victims of violence…. are sometimes at risk themselves of becoming violent.
  • Being a victim of violence. Children who are victims of violence…are sometimes at risk themselves of becoming violent.
  • Feelings of being picked on and persecuted. The youth who feels constantly picked on, teased, bullied, singled out for ridicule and humiliated at home or at school may initially withdraw socially.
  • Low school interest and poor academic performance. It is important to consider whether there is a drastic change in performance.
  • Expression of violence in writings and drawings. Many children produce work about violent themes that for the most part is harmless when taken in context. However, violence in writings and drawings that is directed at specific individuals…may signal emotional problems and the potential for violence.
  • Uncontrolled anger. That is expressed frequently and intensely in response to minor irritant may signal potential violent behavior.
  • Patterns of impulsive and chronic hitting, intimidating and bullying behavior... if left unattended, might later escalate into more serious behaviors.
  • History of discipline problems…may suggest that underlying emotional needs are not being met... [and] may set the stage for the child to…defy authority, disengage from school and engage in aggressive behaviors.
  • History of violent and aggressive behavior... [may] be expressed in cruelty to animals or include fire setting…Research suggests that age of onset may be a key factor in interpreting early warning signs. For example, children who engage in aggression and drug abuse [younger than 12] are more likely to show violence later on than are children who begin such behavior at an older age.
  • Intolerance for differences and prejudicial attitudes. All children have likes and dislikes. However, an intense prejudice toward others based on racial, ethnic, religious, language, gender, sexual orientation, ability and physical appearance…may lead to violent assaults.
  • Drug use and alcohol use... reduce self-control and expose children and youth to violence.
  • Affiliation with gangs. Youth who are influenced by these groups…may adopt these values and act in violent and aggressive ways.
  • Inappropriate access to, possession of, and use of firearms. Children who have a history of aggression, impulsiveness or other emotional problems should not have access to firearms and other weapons.
  • Serious threats of violence. Threats to commit violence against oneself or others should be taken very seriously.

Source: "Early Warning Timely Response: A Guide to Safe Schools,"
United States Department of Education.
Available at http://www.ed.gov/offices/OSERS/OSEP/earlywrn.html