Terrorism: What to say to children?

On Tuesday, September 11, 2001, time stopped for all Americans with the horrific terrorism attack on the World Trade Center buildings in New York City, and Washington D.C.'s Pentagon with 4 of our own commercial airliners used as weapons. It's difficult to fathom what has taken place, putting the nation in shock, making it almost impossible to respond to on a verbal or emotional level.

What does one say to children?

Words are hard to come by at a time like this. There is no right or wrong words to use. There are, however, approaches that you as a parent or educator can use to help your child deal with this horrific situation in a constructive manner, which will help lessen their fear and anxiety.

Remain in control - It is important to remain in control when talking with your child(ren) or students. Children look to parents and adult role models to see how they should react. Expressing sadness, shock and other emotions are appropriate as long as you remain in control. If you feel emotionally overwhelmed and are having trouble keeping yourself together, express these feelings and emotions with another adult, spouse and not with your children.

Route and structure - Route and structure is important to children and adults alike. Try and keep things as normal as possible. Structure helps keep children calm. As hard as it may be to separate from your loved ones, keep your children in school. They are with friends, teachers and in a safe location. Teachers and friends are a form of support and will help you and your children deal with this horrific attach.

Grieving is okay - Remember grieving is normal and okay to share with your children. The nation and the world is grieving with the American people and all those personally effected in New York and Washington. It's important to teach children that crying and sadness is normal. That one way to express ourselves when sad things happen is through tears, and that one does not need to be afraid to cry.

A young child asks, "Why?" - Children want their questions answered. Consider responses that they will understand. A good response to "Why?:" might be, "Bad people in this world who wanted to make a statement were behind this very bad event. Their thoughts were bad and sick, therefore, the way they went about making their statement was hurtful to a lot of people. The government is looking for them and will find them, and punish them for the bad things they did." It is alright to say you don't have an answer to a question that is asked, or that you need to think about what they have asked before you can answer them. Sometimes we just don't have answers.

Blaming - Some children may take out their fear and anxiety on children of other nationalities, feeling someone from their county was responsible for this act. We need to remind children that we don't know who was behind this attack, it's best to wait for more facts, before we start to point fingers. We need to teach children how to deal with their feelings without pointing fingers or blaming others. Some adults and children overwhelmed by fear and anger have lashed out at Arab-Americans and Muslins. It is important to help our children and the community at large to be mindful that there are thousands of Arab-Americans and Muslins who love America and the American flag. The people responsible for the acts of September 11, were terrorists and only represent a very small number of the people.

To Parents

It is important to talk with your children and listen to them. This national tragedy should not be kept a secret. It's best if your children can learn of this tragedy and the basic information from you, and not from others. Children talk to one another and when they cannot understand something they often put in extra elements that help them make sense of the thing they can not understand. If you find that this is happening with your child, furnish them with the appropriate facts. Encourage them to talk with you, to share their worries and concerns and reassure them that they are safe. You might want to find out what is being done in your city and share that with your child. Some children might have problems sleeping. Talk with them, read them a book, help them so that they are not thinking of the tragedies of the day when they are trying to fall asleep.

You can find more valuable information in our article Tips for Parents. Here you will find addition tools on how to talk with your child. There is also information on what to look for in case your child is showing unusual symptoms or behaviors. If you have concerns call your pediatrician, or the local mental health clinic and ask for assistance.

To Educators

Elementary Teacher - set aside a specific time each day to talk with your students. Before recess or lunch is always a good time. This way if they are anxious they will have time to work off some of their anxiety. When you talk with your students, you can ask if they have any worries, concerns or thoughts about the tragedy that they would like to talk about. Students who seem to be comfortable with the situation or don't wish to talk can be offered an assignment. Then you can meet with only those students who have identified themselves. If you find that this discussion is not enough and a child is still upset, refer them to the school counselor or appropriate person. When you're talking with the students, ask them about their thoughts, if they have wrong information give them the facts. Remember some facts are best not talked about. Your school will often let you know what to leave out. You can also have the children draw their thoughts, feelings, concerns, etc. They can then share their drawings with the group or with you privately depending on the size of the group. If you elect to have them share their pictures with you then share with the entire group what some of the concerns are. When you do this also offer them some problem solving or coping skills to help them deal with the concerns presented. Another task might be to have the class, as a whole, create a large card or mural that could be sent to a school in New York or Washington, D.C., addressed to the teacher of your grade. Often this type of a task gives the children something to do so they don't feel as helpless.

Middle or High School Teacher - You may want to talk with students in their homeroom class, second period, or whatever is most appropriate for your site. You can also have students keep a journal of their reactions to the events as they unfold. During the identified period students can share their thoughts if they feel comfortable to do so. Keep in mind it is okay if you don't know the answer to something the students have asked. Just say "I don't know" or "I don't have that information, I will see what I can find out." Sometimes we have no answer and that is okay to say as well. Unfortunately, there are very few answer's to a disaster of this magnitude.

School administrator - Help your teachers, give them extra support. For those who are struggling, have them buddy up with someone. Teachers realize the disaster of all that has happened, even more so then our children who can not truly comprehend the actions of September 11th, or understand the magnitude of the situation.

Resources:

If you have questions, please feel free to ask them by emailing Suzanne Silverstein. I hope this has been of some help to you. At these times it's important to do what we can and not expect ourselves to have all the answers.

Suzanne Silverstein, M.A., A.T.R.
President, Psychological Trauma Center